


And End

by cherryjaem



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 2000 line, Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-02-18 11:59:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13099638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryjaem/pseuds/cherryjaem
Summary: Jisung shouldn't have believed Felix when he said he was fine, because he's not. Nothing is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, hello!  
> Here's a quick note: the main genre of this fic is angst and i'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but it's a genre i am more familiar with. Please don't read if it's not your cup of tea >.<  
> It's actually my first time writing this AU so i'm honestly a bit nervous. i hope this will turn out okay. Additional tags will be added accordingly with new updates. I'm about 50% done writing the fic and will /try/ to find the time to update once a week.  
> Thank you for taking interest in this fic and comments are always welcomed!

“I think there’s something wrong with Felix,” Jisung says quietly, eyes drifting to the said guy currently in a casual basketball match at the school’s auditorium during lunch break. A part of him hopes his two other friends—Hyunjin and Seungmin— will agree to what he’s saying so they can make an intervention together and help Felix in whatever is bothering him, but another part of him already knew they won’t so he isn’t surprised nor disappointed (maybe a little) when Seungmin only looks at Jisung questioningly after looking at Felix without a word, while Hyunjin only gives a distracted hum. “But he won’t tell me,” he tries again anyway.

 

Hyunjin actually looks up at Jisung this time, then at Felix and back down to the phone in his hands, careless “He seems fine to me” slipping from his mouth. Seungmin nods in agreement. “Maybe you’re overthinking again.”

 

“Really,” Jisung states instead of questioning, in hope to assure himself and make himself feel better about his worries. Bad news is: it doesn’t. Jisung stretches an arm out to lean against the bleachers behind him and observes Felix carefully. Felix is running around the court to get to the goal post, his boisterous laughter ringing in the air as he tries to avoid getting the basketball stolen from him. Sure, Felix seems like his usual cheerful and outgoing self right now, but Jisung’s noticed Felix looking lost in his thoughts when he thinks no one is watching, way too many times these past few days. He knows he’s not imagining it— the growing dark half circles under Felix’s eyes are a telling, the way he’s turned less and less talkative with time, how sometimes he’d skip lunch to be somewhere else _alone_. Too many times, Jisung’s caught Felix looking sad and distracted over something Felix won’t tell, even though Jisung has confronted him about it just as many times. He doesn’t know how his other friends are unaware of these changes.

 

Or, maybe, Jisung thinks, they do notice but don’t want to meddle in it. Maybe, it’s not his rights to meddle either, no, _not yet_ , so this time, too, he brushes it off and decides to bother Seungmin with his random tickles instead of prodding further into his concern. Seungmin bursts out laughing at the sudden tickle attacks and screams at Jisung to stop but that only catches Hyunjin’s interest. The oldest of them all shares an evil grin before he, too, jumps on Seungmin and gives him a taste of his tickles. Jisung laughs at his silly friends, but the laughter fades into silence and replaced by a worried frown when he sees Felix coughing into his hand.

 

Felix’s gaze meets Jisung’s but he quickly looks away and runs after his friend who has the basketball now.

 

Jisung doesn’t mean to, but he can’t help but worry more.

 

x

 

Jisung would like to believe he’s a patient guy. If time is what Felix needs, then time is what Jisung will give to him. He believes Felix will eventually open up to him someday. After all, they’re best friends, have been best friends for as long as Jisung can remember and they always share everything with each other.

 

But that someday doesn’t seem to come.

 

Even after giving Felix a whole month, there’s still no progress, no signs of Felix wanting to share whatever it is that’s bothering him, with Jisung. Jisung becomes a little tired and frustrated of waiting, of watching the light in Felix’s eyes gets dimmer day by day. He only wants to help his friend to get better, but Felix is not allowing that. Jisung doesn’t understand.

 

“You know you’ll have to tell me someday, right?” Jisung says, breaking the silence in his room. Hyunjin and Seungmin had long gone home after hours of studying for a test at Jisung’s house. Only Felix remains because he lives just across the streets and he still needs help with solving maths problems. Maths has always been Felix’s weakest subject even when they were still in elementary school back in Sydney. Jisung doesn’t mind helping, doesn’t mind having Felix around because he worries about him, about what he’s doing when he’s alone and not within Jisung’s sight, about what kind of problems Felix is facing and weighing him down until he’s come down into this state.

 

“Tell you what?” Felix says, easily slipping into English because it’s both their first language. The Australian accent is still strong even when the Lee’s resided in Seoul for almost five years now.  After all, Felix grew up with it. The familiarity of it rings distant memories of their childhood, flashing inside Jisung’s head— how they were born only a day apart so they would always celebrate their birthdays together, of them playing at the playground on a warm, warm summer day, their families going on roadtrip across of Australia together, and then he and Felix crying their eyes out when Jisung’s dad got a better job offer in Seoul and the whole family had to move back when Jisung was 8, only to be reunited when they were 11. Although Hyunjin and Seungmin are Jisung’s good friends, too, Felix is so much more special to him. Jisung’s mom and Felix’s mom’s beds were next to each other’s during labor and after their births, and they naturally became friends during that time. Jisung and Felix’s friendship started from then, too. Felix is his best friend since birth, growing up together that it feels like Felix is his twin brother but just from a different mother. It makes him even more desperate to know what’s wrong with Felix, and if he could help in any way. God, he would do anything to get back the genuine smile on Felix’s lips.

 

“Whatever is bothering you,” Jisung answers carefully. “Whatever it is, I’ll be here for you.  I’ll always have your back, you know that, right? You can tell me _anything_ ,” he tries to convince. For a moment, Felix looks like he’s contemplating, like Jisung’s finally made a crack on the wall he built that keeps Jisung out, like he’s finally going to say _something_. Jisung feels his hope shatters into pieces, however, when Felix closes his mouth and gives that same small smile, reserved for moments like this when he has something to hide and doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

“I know,” is what Felix says. “Thank you.”

 

Jisung nods his acknowledgement, disappointment seeping into his being and channeled towards the hold of his fingers on the pen until they turn white. He’s never felt as distant from Felix as he is right at this moment.


	2. Chapter 2

Changbin is a friend, a close hyung Jisung and Felix met at a dance school. Jisung also (used to) take hip hop classes together with Changbin and another friend (that goes by the name Chan) where they learned to rap, write their own verses and rhymes, and did monthly evaluation showcase. They were teamed up together since the first class and have stuck together since then. _That_ was 2 years ago. Now they’re still friends, occasionally meeting up to write and record songs together for fun when they have the time. Ever since Chan’s entered college, Jisung barely meets up with him anymore. Meanwhile, Changbin on the other hand goes to the same high school as Jisung, only that he’s a senior by a year. Jisung sincerely likes and appreciates these hyungs he met and befriended, but sometimes, they—especially Changbin really, _really_ annoys Jisung to no end, like right now.

 

“But you’re his best friend!” Changbin says, a little loudly so Jisung could hear him because the hallway is half-filled with students since it’s break time. Jisung rolls his eyes and walks faster in hope to lose Changbin in the crowd of students, but this friend of his is no quitter. “Come on!” Changbin insists, jumping onto Jisung and draping his arm around the younger guy’s shoulders when he catches up to Jisung and walks together with him side by side. Jisung almost stumbles from the sudden force but manages to find his balance again.

 

“Hyung!” he says anyway, slightly miffed by Changbin’s action. He clicks his tongue in disapproval, but already resigned at the fact that Changbin’s not going to leave him alone until he gets what he wants, so Jisung (reluctantly) lets Changbin rests an arm around his shoulders.

 

“Hyunjin is being so secretive with me. All I wanted to know is where his favourite restaurant is so I can take him there. That’s it!” Changbin explains, his free hand moving around making useless gestures to emphasize his point.

 

“Hyung, here’s an opinion,” Jisung starts. “Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you because he doesn’t want to go there with you,” he deadpans.

 

“Nonsense,” Changbin waves his hand, this time to dismiss what Jisung said. “Hyunjin is…How do I put this?” Changbin trails off. Jisung stays quiet as they descend the staircase and head towards the cafeteria. He’s not interested, but not entirely ignoring Changbin either. “I think he likes the push and pull, the running and chasing. Two can play at that game, right? I’ll play along, as long as I’m the second player after him,” he shrugs.

 

“ _Why_ do you even like him?”

 

Changbin grins at this. “Why not?”

 

“It’s the pretty face, isn’t it?”

 

“Love is more than just for the physical appearances, Jisungie.”

 

“Ughh, gross,” Jisung gags mockingly. The cafeteria is still bustling with students when they arrive, causing Jisung to sigh. He doesn’t know if they’re lucky to even get the usual leftovers consisting of only pastries or cup noodles, which isn’t that much to keep their stomach filled until the next break in the first place. The foods in the cafeteria are surprisingly good, so they’re very popular amongst the students and staffs but sadly never seem enough for everyone because the school is overpopulated. They join the slightly long queue, with Jisung craning his neck a little to see today’s menu.

 

“You’ll understand when you find the one,” Changbin belatedly replies. Jisung grins both in relief and excitement when he sees most of the foods in the menu have not been crossed out yet including his favourites, which means he doesn’t have to eat cup noodles or pastries today.

 

“I’ve found the one,” he says, aiming for the spaghetti Bolognese, shooting it with imaginary gun that is his hand. Changbin rolls his eyes at first, at Jisung not taking what he said seriously but when Jisung adds “And you’re paying for me. It’s only right I get something in return of sharing important information with you, hyung” accompanied by a mischievous grin, Changbin gives Jisung a huge grin of his own.

 

“Deal,” he says.

 

 

x

 

“Impossible!” Hyunjin half-shouts at his phone, the same time Felix approaches their usual table at the cafeteria, gaining three pairs of curious eyes on him.

 

Felix takes a seat next to Hyunjin. “What is impossible?”

 

“How does he always know?” Hyunjin asks his friends in bewilderment.

 

“Who always knows what?” Seungmin asks back for all of them as they fail to understand the context of Hyunjin’s question.

 

“Changbin hyung!” Hyunjin splutters. Jisung presses his lips on his hand to hide his smirk, but then raises his eyebrow at Felix when the latter clears his throat and presses a fist on his mouth as if to suppress a cough from coming out. Hyunjin looks at his phone in disbelief again before putting it down on the table. “Ahh, at this point, I really am going to end up giving him the date he wanted. Hey—,” Hyunjin pats his hand on Felix’s back and rubs it when the younger guy suddenly lets out a series of cough into his hands. “You okay?”

 

“I’m okay,” Felix affirms after removing his hands from his mouth and closing them into fists. Jisung opens the lid of his water bottle and offers it to Felix, whom gladly accepts it and downs the water.

 

“You sure you okay?” Jisung asks again. Now that he thinks about it again, Felix has been having the coughs for quite a while now. “Do you need to see a doctor?”

 

“I’m fine,” Felix insists. “It’s just the weather.”

 

“Then you should wear something warmer,” Hyunjin says. “It’ll only get worse from here. The weather I mean.”

 

“Hyunjin’s right.” Seungmin agrees. “Your body still hasn’t got used to the cold weather here, huh?”

 

Felix laughs and gives a simple “Yeah.”

 

“So,” Seungmin moves his attention back to Hyunjin with a wiggle of his eyebrows. “What is it with you and Changbin hyung, huh?”

 

It’s weird, Jisung thinks, how he notices Felix is trying to seem uninterested in Hyunjin’s answer to Seungmin’s question by eating his food normally, but the flicker of his eyes at Hyunjin says otherwise. He’s listening attentively, Jisung can tell. Things are slowly making more sense to Jisung as he connects the dots inside his mind one by one, but he can’t really be sure yet.

 

“Ahh, Changbin hyung. It’s just—,” Hyunjin starts, absentmindedly forking his chicken penne as he tries to arrange his words. “Okay. I’ll just make this short and clear. I sort of promised him a date if he could find out five of my favourite things.”

 

“How many did he get right so far?”

 

“Three.”

 

“Wow, then you’ll really have to go on a date with him soon!” Seungmin laughs. “I mean, it’s not so bad. Changbin hyung seems like a nice and cool guy. Right, Jisungie?”

 

“Yeah,” Jisung finally looks away from Felix when the said guy moves his gaze to Jisung. “He’s really nice and really cool and really funny and really _annoying_ but really nice, yeah,” he grins at Hyunjin. Hyunjin blinks back at Jisung and then widens his eyes, pointing an accusing finger at him.

 

“Wait a minute. It was you, wasn’t it? You’ve been giving him tips about what I like?”

 

“You don’t have proofs for that,” Jisung smirks mischievously. “Besides, it could be Felix. He’s friends with Changbin hyung, too, is he not?” he makes a point but get a fries thrown at him.

 

“Felix would never do that to me. You’re the traitor one. Ughh, that’s cheating, Jisung!”

 

“No, it’s not cheating,” Jisung sticks his tongue out at Hyunjin. “Changbin hyung is actually making efforts to find all of these things you like. You’ve got to admit that’s really _something_.” That seems to really hit Hyunjin somewhere as he falls into a thoughtful silence at what Jisung said.

 

“You shouldn’t have promised him anything in the first place if you don’t like him,” Seungmin tells Hyunjin.

 

“Well what else was I supposed to do?” Hyunjin retorts defensively. “He was so persistent about it. Besides…I never said I didn’t like him.”

 

“Woah, woah, woahhh!” Jisung and Seungmin clamour exaggeratedly to each other. “Boy, you hearing this?!” Jisung shakes Seungmin’s arm. He wants to do the same to Felix but the said guy only offers a small smile that doesn’t reflect with his sad eyes. _Wait. Does Felix…actually like Hyunjin?_ the question invades his mind. He can’t dwell more into it as Seungmin’s laughter and Hyunjin’s voice pull him back into the conversation.

 

“Don’t laugh at me, okay?!” Hyunjin says, the heat creeping to his face and coloring his cheeks pink. “I…I just never had any guys liking me before.”

 

“Are you kidding me?” Seungmin widens his eyes at Hyunjin. “There are like, a lot of boys who have a crush on you. You just don’t pay attention because all these times you only look at the girls chasing after you.” Then he looks at Felix, who stands up from his seat and takes the food tray with him.

 

“Where are you going?” Seungmin asks Felix, the same time Jisung asks “Are you done?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You haven’t finished your food, though,” Jisung states the obvious.

 

“Um yeah, I’m not so hungry. I have to meet Mr. Jang before the next class. See you guys later,” Felix says, giving a quick wave of his hands to his friends. Then, he’s gone.

 

“What’s wrong with him?” Hyunjin furrows his eyebrows. Seungmin shrugs his shoulders.

 

“I guess he’s really just not feeling well. I hope he’s not in trouble with Mr. Jang, though.”

 

“Maybe I’ll go and check up on him,” Jisung decides, looking for any signs of Felix but he’s already left the cafeteria. Looking at his watch, there’s only 10 minutes of break time left.

 

“Okay, you do that,” his two friends nod their heads at him. “He’ll…be more comfortable to talk with you alone,” Hyunjin adds. Jisung sighs and stands up from the bench, taking the food tray with him.

 

“I hope so,” he mumbles, not quite convinced Hyunjin is right because Felix hasn’t been communicating well with him these days. Of course they still talk as usual, but there's always something hanging in the air between them, something Jisung knows is there but can't quite touch yet.

 

Sighing and walking farther away from the table, he vaguely hears Seungmin’s “What the heck? Where did these come from??” amidst the loud chatters of other students, but doesn’t bother to turn around to check. He has more important thing to do and that is to find Felix.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's already a new week, so here's another update XD
> 
> Also, Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone! <3

“Felix said he had to see me?” Mr. Jang asks with raised eyebrows.

 

“Um, yeah? He told us he had to leave first to see you before the next period starts…” Jisung explains unsurely. “He didn’t come here to see you…?”

 

Mr. Jang pushes the spectacles up the bridge of his nose and leans back on his chair, arms crossed on his chest as he thinks over something. “I don’t think I asked him to see me, though. Nor did he make an appointment with me.”

 

“Ah...i-is that so?” Jisung stutters a little and rubs his nape sheepishly. “Sorry to bother you, Mr. Jang. Maybe he was talking about a different teacher. I’ll get going then,” he bows and excuses himself, leaving the teachers’ room with worry and questions running in his head. If Felix didn’t go to see Mr. Jang, then where did he go to?

 

“Where’s Felix?” Jisung asks as he sits down on his seat in the classroom, nudging Hyunjin who is sitting in front of him when he sees Felix’s still empty chair beside him.

 

“Huh? I thought you went to look for him?”

 

“He wasn’t in the teacher’s room,” Jisung says. The bell rings, indicating break time is over and it’s the start of a new period. They have History after this, but the teacher hasn’t arrived yet so Jisung quickly takes his phone out to text Felix. “Mr. Jang said he wasn’t expecting to see Felix today.”

 

**To:  Felixie Meow**

Where r u?

 

 

Jisung presses send but has to put his phone away when the History teacher walks into the classroom. Seeing one empty seat, she asks where Felix Lee is but nobody has any idea where he went. The middle-aged teacher purses her lips into a thin line at their answers. Everyone straightens up in their seats when she slams her cane on the blackboard and starts lecturing about students skipping classes and how it will affect their grades and report cards, how she doesn’t deserve this disrespect and neither does the History itself. By the time she finishes, the period is already over. It’s a strange feeling, somewhere in between glad they didn’t have to cover a new topic that day which would’ve been boring as their previous lessons, and dread that they had to listen to the teacher babbling about god knows what (Jisung, at least, had stopped listening by minute 10, tuning the teacher’s voice out and focusing on the questions inside his head instead). But all in all, everyone is just relieved when the teacher finally leaves the classroom.

 

“Ahh, this is all Felix’s fault!” someone complains loudly. Jisung ignores it, more interested to see Felix’s reply than argue with the other friend. He takes his phone out from under the drawer and frowns when he sees there is no unread text waiting for him.

 

“Yah,” Jisung calls out to Hyunjin and Seungmin with worry etched on his face. “Felix is not answering my—”

 

Jisung’s sentence is cut off by a jingle playing on the PA system, indicating an announcement is about to come through. The class grows silent to listen.

 

_Apologies for interrupting lessons with this announcement. Can the class representative of 1-B please head to the administrative office with Felix Lee’s belongings? I repeat, can the class representative of 1-B please head to the administrative office with Felix Lee’s belongings immediately? Thank you for your attention._

Curious murmurs can be heard in the classroom. Jisung shares a look with Seungmin and Hyunjin, all of them confused by the announcement and most importantly as to what happened to Felix.

 

“I’ll take the bag to them,” Jisung offers when the class representative wordlessly gather Felix’s belongings into his backpack. “I’ll tell them you’re on toilet break.” The class representative shrugs and lets Jisung go on behalf of himself.

 

 

 

 

 

Jisung sees Felix’s mom walking out of the principal’s office with a troubled look on her face, bowing down at the principal and muttering her apologies. The principal shakes his head and bows back down, telling her he understands and that not to worry.

 

“ _Eomeonim_?” Jisung approaches Felix’s mom.

 

Upon hearing Jisung’s voice, she looks up at him and envelopes him in a quick hug. “Jisungie.”

 

“Is everything okay? What happened? Where’s Felix?”

 

“Felix is— uh. He’s okay, sweetie. He’s just…”

 

“Your friend is not feeling well,” the principal answers for her when she couldn’t continue. He takes Felix’s backpack from Jisung. “He’s excused for the day. You can go back to class now.”

 

Jisung is still confused, still has a lot of questions he wants to ask but with the principal present there, it’s hard for him to do so. Reluctantly, Jisung excuses himself. He figures he’ll just have to find out later.

 

“Jisungie,” Felix’s mom calls out to him. Jisung stops on his tracks and turns back around.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Can you stop by our house later?” she asks. The smile on her lips is shaky and tinged with worry.

 

“Of course, _eomeonim_ ,” Jisung agrees immediately. “I’ll be there after my afternoon classes.”

 

“Thank you,” she says, this time with a relieved smile on her face.

 

x

 

The last afternoon class ended later than usual that day because their English language teacher decided to take an extra hour to go through the topic they were covering again since a lot of the students still had a hard time comprehending the lesson. It had been a frustrating hour for Jisung, because he was obviously more advanced in English and had no problem to understand the lesson well, but he still had to stay back anyway. By the time they were dismissed, the sun’s already started to set.

 

It’s already dark outside when Jisung arrives at the Lee’s residence, with the temperature dropping a few degrees Celsius compared to in the afternoon. Jisung is not sure if he’s cold because of the light breeze or because he is scared— scared of what’s waiting for him beyond the gate of the Lee’s residence, scared of knowing what’s wrong with Felix, scared of…the truth he’d been dying to know. Maybe it’s both.

 

Jisung takes a deep breath in and out. With a shaky finger, he presses the bell after standing outside for a solid 10 minutes, waving his hand at the intercom’s camera.

 

“Come on in, Jisungie,” says Felix’s mom through the intercom. “The gate and front door is unlocked.”

 

 Jisung pushes the gate open, the creaking sound startling him a bit. Then he walks to the front door and lets himself in. “Excuse me,” he says, looking around the empty house. He’d been here a lot of times before, enough to know where to get the house slipper on his own and where to find Felix’s mom.

 

“Take a seat, Jisungie,” she says when he finds her in the kitchen. Jisung takes off his backpack and does as he was told. He quickly fishes out the notes he’d taken for Felix from his bag and puts them on the table. “These are Felix’s,” he explains. “From today’s lessons that he missed.”

 

“Ahh, thank you, Jisungie. You’re always so kind and thoughtful of our Felix.”

 

Jisung manages a smile and quietly watches her every move in the kitchen. She pours chocolate milk into a mug and passes it to Jisung. “Thank you,” he accepts, his hands immediately wrapping around the mug and feeling the warmth seeping into his skin. He doesn’t know he was thirsty until his sips on the drink turn into a chug. He feels the liquid travelling down his throat and gradually making him feel warm.

 

Felix’s mom sits across of him, grabs his right hand and squeezes it tight, making Jisung raises questioning eyebrows at her. “ _Eomeonim_?” Jisung puts the mug back down on the table so he can rest his hand on top of hers. “Is everything okay? Where’s Felix? Is _he_ okay?”

 

She sighs heavily and then rubs her face with her hands. She looks tired, age catching up to her. “No, he’s not okay. Nothing is, Jisungie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos :D <3
> 
> hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tigaracha) if you'd like! <3


	4. Daffodils

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm trying to complete the fic soon so i can start a new one, hahah. so please accept another new chapter!

The walk to Felix’s room on the second floor feels exceptionally long, his steps laden with confusion and dread. Jisung still doesn’t understand, or rather, he doesn’t want to believe what Felix’s mom had just told him.

 

“ _Felix is sick_.” The words echo in his mind. _How and why?_ He wanted to ask, but no words came out from his mouth. The explanation he heard tune in and out of his ears, his gaze unfocused as he tried to find something to grasp on— perhaps a different reality where this wasn’t happening to him, to Felix right now.

 

Jisung had feared this, had his own assumptions that maybe the reason why Felix wasn’t being himself lately, why he didn’t want to tell Jisung anything is because he is not well—the damn coughs wouldn’t go away, he looks tired and sick every single day— but it was (is still) something Jisung does not want to believe, so he’d buried that thought deep into the back of his mind, refusing to let himself confront the possibility.

 

And now it’s like a slap on the face, that what he’d feared is actually happening right before his eyes. Felix _is_ sick, hasn’t been well for a while now. Jisung should’ve prodded Felix more, should’ve forced him to say something back then. He doesn’t know if it would’ve made much difference, but at least Jisung could try helping Felix, could try to be there for him instead of him going through this alone.

 

“ _It’s not too late,_ ” Jisung had been told. _It could’ve been, though_ , Jisung can’t help but think. It’s not too late, _yet_ , but it _could’ve_ been. Jisung shudders just at the thoughts of it. “ _It’s a rare disease, but good thing is, there is cure, Jisungie. Please, help me convince him to get the surgery._ ”

 

Jisung stares at the door to Felix’s room the same way he’d been staring at the gate outside earlier that evening. This time, it’s definitely fear he’s feeling— fear of seeing and confirming the truth. Felix’s coughs are muffled by the door but they are loud enough in the silence of the second floor’s hallway.

 

“Felix?” Jisung braves himself to knock on the door. The coughing paused, as if startled by the uninvited guest. “Felix, I’m coming in,” he declares, turning the knob open to a glimpse of Felix running to the bathroom. “Felix??” Jisung rushes to the bathroom as well, approaching Felix who is on the floor, hunched over the toilet bowl and coughing violently.

 

Jisung freezes on the spot, startled by what he see filling the toilet bowl.  It takes him 30 seconds to react— to turn around and run home, ignoring both Felix and Felix’s mom shouting for his name.

 

 

 

 

 

 _This is not really happening_ , Jisung tells himself. _This must be some kind of a sick joke_.

 

But then Jisung remembers how he clearly saw the white petals in the toilet bowl, on the floor of Felix’s room, how they came out _from_ Felix’s mouth. _The petals were from_ inside _of Felix’s body_ , Jisung thinks, still trying to make sense of everything he’d seen and been told. It is an indescribable feeling, somewhere in between disbelief and horror.

 

 _It’s a really rare disease_. Jisung thinks maybe he’d read about it, or seen it in an anime before. He can’t really tell. He thought the disease was made-up, and now he has a friend who is actually suffering from it. How is it even possible?

 

On his bed, Jisung curls into himself more when the door to his room is pushed open, the lights from the hallway sneaking briefly into the dark room before the door shut closed and darkness fully invades once again. He hears soft pads approaching his bed before a weight dips on the mattress behind him. Someone slips under the blanket and loosely loops an arm around his waist. Jisung doesn’t have to turn to look who it is. He already _knows._

“Jisungie…” The deep voice sounds huskier whispered like this. Jisung doesn’t know he’s shaking until Felix tightens his arm around him and holds Jisung closer. “I’m sorry. Please.”

 

“Why?” Jisung asks, his own voice barely above whispers. _Why are you apologizing? Why is this happening? Why did you hide this from me? Why you?_

“I don’t—. I don’t know. I was scared. I’m still scared. I didn’t know how tell you. I’m sorry, Jisungie…” Jisung hears Felix swallows. Felix is wheezing a bit, his breathing a little unstable. Jisung thinks about the _thing_ growing in Felix, those white flowers – _Daffodils_ , he was told- filling his lungs and slowly suffocating him. He doesn’t want them to take Felix away from him, doesn’t want to lose Felix this way.

 

Jisung finds Felix’s hand and holds it tight, unable to mutter any more than a quiet “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

 

He _must_ save his friend. Whatever it takes, Jisung is going to make Felix take the surgery.

 

 

 

The sunlight finds its way into Jisung’s room through the peek of the curtains, landing straight on his face specifically his eyes and making him wake up from his peaceful sleep. It takes a moment for him to clear his burry, sleepy mind and then another few for him to move to sit up. Looking at the space behind him, he finds out Felix is no longer in the room with him. He sees a single white petal on the mattress where Felix had been and picks it up, before noticing another few petals lying on the floor. Judging by the petals thrown inside the trash bin next to Jisung’s bed, Felix might have taken his time to clean the petals before he left but unintentionally missed out a few.

 

Jisung remembers crying last night when his eyes feel swollen. Felix had cried, too, although not many words were exchanged between them. Jisung had been worried about the whole thing because he doesn’t know Felix’s condition— if it’s bad and to what extent, frustrated of knowing it late and a little bit disappointed it took them this long to tell him the truth. Right now, he is feeling more determined than anything as he gets up from his bed and approaches his desktop. He searches for Felix’s disease on the internet in hope to learn more. As what he was already informed of, the disease is rare but not impossible and it only happens to a person suffering from one-sided love.

 

“One-sided love…” Jisung echoes the words. Recalling what happened at break time yesterday, Jisung is half convinced Felix is having a one-sided love with Hyunjin. Jisung doesn’t know if Felix will admit to it if he asked him, but if he doesn’t, Jisung figures he’ll just have to ask Hyunjin himself although there are chances Hyunjin doesn’t know about it, too.

 

Jisung reads more and finds out the only way to be cured from the infection is through surgical removal. If Felix doesn’t get it removed, there’s a high risk of him choking to death. Just the thought of it makes Jisung’s blood run cold.

 

He crumples the petal in his fist and tells himself “I won’t let that happen.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, it is hanahaki disease au (from a spectator's point of view) and i'm still nervous about it haha but hope i'm doing okay so far o-<-<
> 
> comments are very much appreciated (kudos, too)! <33
> 
> hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tigaracha) if you'd like :)


	5. Chapter 5

“Is Felix taking a day off from school again today?” Seungmin asks, eyeing Felix’s empty seat behind him. Hyunjin heard his question and turns around to hear Jisung’s answer, too.

 

“Mmm,” Jisung answers with a hum, not meeting with their eyes. He takes his textbook out and spreads it open on the desk.

 

“Is he okay?” “I mean, I was on the phone with him last night and he told me he was okay but…” Hyunjin trails off.

 

“He’s just having a really bad cold,” Jisung lies through his teeth, internally cringing at how easy it came out of his mouth. He knows Hyunjin and Seungmin are only worried about Felix, knows how it feels like to suspect something is wrong but are kept out in the dark, knows very well that they, too, deserve to know. At the same time, Jisung also knows it’s not his place to tell them about Felix’s sickness. He wants Felix to be the one to tell them, wants them to hear from Felix himself and not from other people’s mouth like Jisung did.

 

Besides, how is Jisung supposed to tell Hyunjin that he could possibly, _may_ be the reason why Felix is sick in the first place anyway?

 

“Should we go visit him after school?” Hyunjin suggests.

 

“Did you not hear what I said? He has a really bad cold. We could get infected,” Jisung quickly declines, his tone rose unintentionally high that the classmates around them stopped what they’re doing to look at him. Hyunjin looks surprised and a little bit hurt from the sudden outburst at him. Jisung knows it’s not fair— it’s not even confirmed yet that Hyunjin’s the one giving Felix the infection but he can’t help it. He’s always been protective over Felix. It angers him that someone, something could make Felix sick and hurt like this.

 

“Hey, he was just asking,” Seungmin says, trying to dismiss the sudden tension in the air. Everyone else gets back to doing their own things. “Okay, maybe not today but we can try tomorrow.  How does that sound?”

 

When neither Jisung nor Hyunjin says a thing, Seungmin takes that as an agreement.

 

 

 

 

 

**To: Hyunjjinggie**

Sorry about this morning.

 

 

Jisung hadn’t spoken much with Hyunjin at school all day that day. They are both stubborn and will never step down first to apologize whenever they have a fight. Thinking about it again, though, Jisung realizes this isn’t even a fight but only a petty misunderstanding. He also realizes he was the one at fault for raising his tone at Hyunjin first when the latter was asking him nicely. Hyunjin doesn’t even know what’s going on and is probably thinking Jisung was only using him as an outlet for his bad mood. Jisung had used his time in the bus on his way back home to reflect on this and finally sent the apology text to Hyunjin.

 

Jisung’s about to head straight back home because he has homework due tomorrow but seeing the light illuminating Felix’s room through the window, his feet automatically make their way to the Lee’s residence instead.

 

“Has he agreed to take the surgery yet?” Jisung asks when Felix’s mom lets him in. She lets out a heavy sigh and shakes her head.

 

“I don’t know what else to do, Jisungie. If he won’t even listen to you as well, I—,”she quivers. Jisung sympathizes and gives her hug, rubbing comforting strokes on her back. “I’ll just make the decision for him even if it hurts him. I can’t stand watching him slowly dying like this anymore…”

 

“Let me try again. It’ll be okay, _eomeonim_ ,” Jisung says. He’d been trying to talk some sense into Felix’s head into getting the surgery but all Felix’s been doing is avoiding the conversation and refusing to listen to anyone about what he should do. As much as it frustrates him, Jisung doesn’t think, doesn’t want to give up on Felix either.

 

It seems like Felix already knew Jisung’s here because when Jisung pushes the door to his bedroom open, he doesn’t seem surprised nor does he bother to look up from the iPad on his lap. Felix is leaning his back against the headboard, wearing an oversized t-shirt and a black beanie on his head (Jisung isn’t going to question that).

 

Jisung closes the door, carelessly dropping his backpack on the floor while making his way to the bed. He gulps seeing the white petals surrounding Felix on the bed, as well as on the floor. Ever since Jisung found out about Felix’s disease, Felix doesn’t bother to hide it from Jisung anymore.

 

“Hey,” he greets. Jisung climbs up the bed and slips under the warm blanket to sit next to Felix.

 

“Hey,” Felix greets back, looking at Jisung briefly with a smile on his face before looking back down at his iPad and scrolling down the page he’s reading. “How was school?”

 

“Ahh what is school life without you, Felix~” Jisung whines jokingly and links his arm with Felix, leaning his head on the guy’s shoulder. Jisung feels Felix shaking with laughter at what he said and smiles when Felix leans his head on Jisung’s. “How are you feeling today?”

 

“Ya’know,” Felix shrugs dismissively. Jisung is glad Felix can’t see him frowning with his lips pursed into a thin line. The last thing he wanted to do is to make Felix feel even worse. He darts his eyes to the screen of the iPad instead, using his finger to interrupt Felix by scrolling it up and down playfully. “Hey!” Felix chuckles again and swats Jisung’s hand away. “Bad hand!”

 

Jisung can’t help but to chuckle, too. He lifts the iPad with his hand and squints his eyes at the screen. “What are you reading?”

 

“Stuff,” Felix shrugs again. “About people with the same illness as me,” he continues nonchalantly, although there’s uncertain fear weighing down his words.

 

“Yeah? And…?” Jisung encourages Felix to continue, lifting his head and pressing his chin on Felix’s shoulder to look at his friend. Forcing Felix to take the surgery might be a useless attempt, but Jisung figures he can try to listen to Felix’s reasoning and understand where Felix is coming from this time. Maybe he’ll find a different way to persuade Felix from there. At least, he hopes so.

 

“And…I don’t know. Most of these are experiences from family members or friends of the patients. 88% would get the surgery and the rate of success is 100%.”

 

“Isn’t that good?” Jisung shakes Felix’s arm. “Felix…”

 

“But,” Felix frowns. “100% of them forget, too. I—.”

 

“Forget what?” Jisung feels nervous of saying the wrong thing and making Felix push him away again. _Just get the_ surgery, he so badly wanted to say. _I don’t want to lose you. Please._ He digs his nails into the palm of his hand and swallows the words back down his throat.

 

“Forget the person we love, Jisungie.” Shaky eyes search for Jisung’s, seeking for understanding, for support that he, too, thinks this is ridiculous. Jisung doesn’t understand it, because the only thing he can see is Felix and how he’s holding tightly to the tips of his fingers, afraid that Felix would slip away from him. Maybe this is what it feels like to be selfish, to want Felix to stay and forget instead of trying to understand and respect the decision Felix is making for himself. “Not only will the flowers be gone, but my feelings for him, too. My _memories_ of him. It’s going to be like I _never_ knew him. That’s just…so _cruel_.”

 

“But…” Jisung starts, carefully adding “Felix, maybe it’s for the best.”

 

Felix widens his eyes at Jisung, pulling his arm away from Jisung’s. “What…?”

 

“Look, you won’t remember him and maybe it’s for the best, okay?” Jisung exhales shakily. He knows he’s already fucked this whole conversation, this whole thing up by that single statement he said, but he has to make Felix understand _his_ point, too. He tried to be patient, to _listen_ to what Felix has to say, but time is not a friend. Time is running out. “After you get the surgery, it won’t matter anymore. You won’t have any more memories or feelings for him for you to feel sad or bad about it. You’ll just forget and—.”

 

Felix scoffs and looks away, tears forming in his eyes. “I really can’t believe you right now.”

 

“Felix, just _listen_ to me—,”

 

“No! Get out!” Jisung is pushed from the bed, stumbling to get on his feet.

 

“Felix, _please_ —.” A pillow is thrown at him.

 

“Leave me alone!”

 

“Felix Lee!” Jisung shouts at his friend (his brother, his family), immediately making Felix stops to look at him. Felix’s eyes are wide with anger, disappointment, disbelief. Jisung feels the tears forming in his eyes, too. “You’re scared, but I’m scared, too. We’re all scared! Look, I get it, okay? You’re going lose someone important, but so am I, so are your parents, your family, your friends! Did you stop to think about that even for a second? Do you really think it’s worth it to die over someone who will never love you back and leaving behind these people who actually do?” A slight pause for Jisung to swallow and clear his throat. “Felix, you dying in here isn’t going to make him love you, do you understand that?” Jisung presses, chest heaving from the outburst and letting the hot tears trickle down his cheeks. He knows it’s cruel but Felix needs to fucking open his eyes already and accept the truth.

 

Felix only answers with his own cry, hugging his knees close to his chest. Then he says, “Please. Just go,” in a tiny, shaky voice. Jisung looks at Felix one last time, grabs his backpack and leaves.

 

 

 

 

 

Jisung doesn’t go with Seungmin and Hyunjin to visit Felix the next day after school. Instead, he goes home immediately saying he wasn’t feeling very well when in all honestly, Jisung doesn’t know how to face Felix yet after what happened yesterday. Jisung hopes that at least Felix had given some thoughts on what he said to him yesterday, because it did make Jisung think, too. Whatever the outcome of this will be, it’s not going to be easy because there is no easier choice. Jisung knows that much.

 

Jisung is in the middle of doing his homework when he hears a knock on the door. He doesn’t say anything; only lifting his head up to look at the door and see Seungmin peeking his head in. “Hi!” Seungmin says with his wide grin, eye crinkling into almost half-moon shapes. “Are you doing your homework? I’m here to copy it.”

 

Jisung allows himself to laugh and beckons Seungmin to come in. “Dude, if anything, I’m the one who’s going to end up copying your work.” “Where’s Hyunjin?” he asks when Seungmin comes in alone and closes the door.

 

“His mom needs extra help at the family’s restaurant,” Seungmin tells him, taking a seat across of Jisung on the coffee table. Jisung moves some of his things to make space for Seungmin. Instead of taking his things out, though, Seungmin only leans his forearms on the table and takes a peek at what Jisung’s doing. Jisung rises an eyebrow up but doesn’t question Seungmin.

 

“You’ve already finished yours, haven’t you?” Jisung finally breaks the silence after Seungmin makes no indication to start a conversation or do anything else, although Jisung notices Seungmin glancing at him a lot, as if waiting for _Jisung_ to be the one to initiate it, so Jisung does.

 

“Honestly? Yeah,” Seungmin gives him that same grin again. “Easy-peasy questions, I can finish them in, like, 5 minutes with my eyes closed.”

 

“Nerd.” Jisung snorts and flickers his assessing eyes at Seungmin before getting back to his work. “So, you’re here just to bother me, huh?”

 

“Yeap,” Seungmin answers playfully. Jisung _knows_ something is up and when Seungmin opens his mouth to speak again, it only confirms it all. “Did you have a fight with Felix?”

 

“Maybe,” Jisung answers vaguely. “He’s just. Stubborn, Seungmin. It drives me crazy.”

 

“I see. Is it because of his illness?” Seungmin speaks again, not even bother to filter his words and going straight to the point. Jisung stops writing and accidentally presses his pencil hard against the paper until the lead breaks. He looks up at Seungmin, wondering if he knows and to what extent. “It’s not just a bad cold, is it?”

 

“It is a bad cold. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Jisung,” Seungmin sighs. “It might seem like I’m not paying attention but…I do know, okay? I care and I’m worried for him.”

 

“What do you know?”

 

“That Felix,” Seungmin locks his gaze with Jisung’s, making it unnecessarily suspenseful. “Has Hanahaki Disease.”

 

Jisung releases a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. How and when did Seungmin start noticing, Jisung doesn’t know. Doesn’t care, actually. In that moment, he only cares that he feels slightly less burdened now that he gets to talk about it with someone— with one of his closest friends, even. “He doesn’t want to get the surgery, Min. I just—,” Jisung trails off, unable to continue as he feels the familiar frustration and fear spreading in him.

 

He does, however, end up spilling everything; his feelings and thoughts about this whole thing to Seungmin, who is quietly listening and giving supportive squeeze of his hand on Jisung’s arm every now and then. His homework is wet with the tears by the end of it all, but Jisung doesn’t care about it anymore either.

 

“I know there’s no easier choice here. He’ll… _die_ —oh god,” Jisung feels a pang in his heart at the realization again, at the possibility of losing his best friend. He wipes his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie and tearfully continues “…if he doesn’t get the surgery. We don’t want that. I understand he doesn’t want to forget Hyunjin—,”

 

“Wait, what—,” Seungmin tries to interrupt.

 

“…but it’s better than him dying, you know? It may not be fair to Hyunjin but he’s the one who’s not loving Felix back and causing him to get sick like this. And, like, maybe he wouldn’t forget Hyunjin completely but—”

 

“Jisung. Wait,” Seungmin tries to interrupt again but it’s like Jisung can’t hear him.

 

“…just the feelings he has for Hyunjin? That’s possible, too. Maybe we should convince him like that and maybe he’ll listen to us this time and—,”

 

“Jisung,” Seungmin cups a hand on Jisung’s cheek to make him look at him, voice patient but stern at the same time. Jisung hiccups but looks at Seungmin back this time, finally having his attention on the other guy. “It’s not Hyunjin,” he says. Jisung doesn’t think he’s ever seen Seungmin so dead serious like this before.

 

Jisung frowns, confusion taking over him when the words finally sunk in. If it’s not Hyunjin, then…? “What—.”

 

“It’s not Hyunjin,” Seungmin repeats himself. “It’s Changbin hyung.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, Hello!
> 
> sorry for the super late update! work's been hectic since the new year started and i really just didn't have time and energy to write ;__; please forgive me!
> 
> this chapter was painful to write because i just feel bad for all the characters, and i had a hard time trying to convey my thoughts and feelings and just generally what i wanted for this chapter. i tried though and i think it didn't turn out as well as i wanted it to, but it's not really that bad either? haha idk. please enjoy(?) and let me know what you think <3
> 
> warning: usage of curse words

_He didn’t tell me_ , Seungmin had said that night. _But it was how he’d always try looking for Changbin hyung in the sea of students at school, you know? The sparkle in his eyes when he talks to Changbin hyung, the way he can’t stop smiling when he talks about him._

 

Jisung downs his drink angrily, trying to push down the lump forming in his throat. Jisung cannot—for the life of him— fathom how he didn’t catch on any of these signs. He would never have guessed Felix would have a crush on Changbin. No, even worse, it’s more than just a crush. Jisung thought he would’ve definitely known if Felix had like someone, moreover if it was someone he knew. But Jisung was wrong. Had he been an oblivious, bad and uncaring friend to Felix? Did Felix say anything to him but Jisung had passed it off as just a joke or something unimportant? Jisung can’t tell and he honestly hates himself a little bit more for not paying enough attention to his friend.

 

The autumn breeze is biting cold especially standing on the school’s rooftop, but it isn’t enough to distract Jisung from his thoughts, from the anger and guilt. His ears perk up at the sound of the door opening and banging close, footsteps approaching to where Jisung is standing near the railing.

 

“It’s so cold out here! This better be good, Han,” Changbin exclaims, his hands in his pockets as he leans his back against the railing so he can face Jisung. “Ohhh, do you have any important information that can help me get closer to Hyunjin?” he grins, lightly hitting the back of his hand on Jisung’s arm in a playful manner. He turns a little more serious when he sees Jisung frowning. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

 

“Felix is in love with you,” Jisung cuts to the chase, head turned to Changbin. _What’s wrong is you don’t love him back. And now he’s sick and dying._

 

Changbin’s mouth dropped open slightly, surprise in his eyes. Jisung didn’t expect Changbin to recover as quickly as he does when he only says, “Oh,” posture straightening and eyes avoiding Jisung’s.

 

“What do you mean _oh_?” Jisung asks in disbelief. “Hyung?”

 

“I…I know,” is what Changbin says, voice quiet.

 

“You _knew_? And you don’t love him back...?”

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, okay? I just… _can’t_. He’s just a friend to me,” Changbin explains. “He confessed to me, I turned him down. I told him there’s gotta be someone out there who will appreciate and love him more. He deserves better.”

 

“Oh, he does,” Jisung snaps. He doesn’t even feel a tiny bit sorry when Changbin flinches slightly at his remark. “Hyung, Felix is sick.”

 

“What?” Changbin widens his eyes in shock. “Is he okay?”

 

“No,” Jisung narrows his eyes at Changbin. “He’s dying because of you, hyung,” he says, quickly cutting off whatever Changbin wanted to say with a: “He has Hanahaki Disease. Do you know what that is?”

 

“Ha…nahaki?” Changbin asks, genuinely confused. It’s really so absurd. Felix has an unrequited love, has a disease because of it, is suffering because of the said disease and Changbin has no idea about any of it? Jisung can feel the blood boiling in him but he tries to keep his emotions under control.

 

After taking a deep breath in and out, he explains “It’s a disease when you suffer a one-sided love. Felix has _flowers_ growing _inside_ of him, hyung. Isn’t that crazy? He’s coughing and vomiting petals. At this rate, the roots are going to grow over his lungs and he’s going to suffocate and _die_.”

 

Changbin swallows and blinks his eyes several times, clearly having a hard to time to believe what Jisung’s said. Heck, it even sounded ridiculous to Jisung’s ears, but he knows it’s real. It’s happening. He’s seeing it with his own eyes. “Are you serious?”

 

“Yes, I am fucking serious,” Jisung glares at the older guy coldly. “He can only be cured when you return his feelings, which by the way we all know you’re not going to, seeing how so in love you are with Hyunjin,” Jisung lets out a humorless chuckle. Changbin frowns. “That, _or_. Or he can get a surgery to remove it. Do you know what’s even _crazier_?”

 

Changbin hesitantly shakes his head.

 

“He doesn’t want to get the surgery! Because the feelings he has for you, the memories of you will be removed and he doesn’t want to forget you!” “Damn it!” Jisung crushes the can in his fist and throws it against the floor. He turns away, heaving and running a shaky hand in his hair in frustration. Despite trying to keep his emotions in check, Jisung feels himself losing it. He’s starting to believe that maybe sedating Felix and making his parents sign the permission form for Felix to take the surgery isn’t such a bad idea anymore. In fact, Felix’s mom said it would be their last resort. Jisung thinks he will support the decision if it means Felix would be saved.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jisung hears Changbin muttered. “I…fuck. I didn’t know things would turn out like this, Jisung. I…If there’s anything I can do…” he trails off. Jisung closes his eyes shut, pinching the area between his eyes with his finger and thumb.

 

Then, something popped into his head.

 

“I know what you can do,” Jisung says. Changbin stays quiet, listening. “Make him stop waiting for you.”

 

x

 

Jisung and Felix are still not on speaking term so when Seungmin drags Jisung to visit Felix again two days later, none of them can see each other in the eyes nor start a proper conversation. It’s just Seungmin being the loud and talkative friend that he is that makes sure no awkward silence falls in between them.

 

Seungmin forces them to play UNO cards together. Jisung cheats, Felix calls him out loudly with a laugh and both he and Seungmin try to make him confess to his crime and then suddenly they’re best friends again. Jisung is the one to hug Felix first because he’s had enough of the distance, tired of feeling angry and frustrated. He only wants the best for Felix, wants Felix to love himself too and _how can you even think of leaving me? We promise to go back to Australia together after we graduate, you asshole._

Felix lets out a watery laugh. “I know. I’m sorry,” he says, the pats on Jisung’s back turn into comforting rubs. Jisung snuggles closer and sniffles.

 

“See, isn’t this so much better?” Seungmin smiles. “Ahh, why do I have idiots as friends, tsk,” he shakes his head playfully, no actual malice in his voice. Both Jisung and Felix laugh, with Jisung pulling away from Felix and wiping his tears and snot with his sleeve. “Speaking of idiot friends, where is the other idiot?” Seungmin wonders, taking his phone out. Despite this whole thing being Jisung’s plan, he can’t help but to tense up at the indirect mention of Hyunjin. They need to do this today, need to get it over and done with once and for all. As Jisung feels his heartbeat escalating, he wonders if Seungmin feels nervous, too. By the slight shake of his hand –unnoticeable if you don’t pay enough attention–, Jisung assumes Seungmin is.

 

“Yeah, where’s Hyunjin?” Felix asks. He pats his hand on his chest and clears his throat a few times before excusing himself to the toilet. It turns quiet in the room, save for the sound of the running water from the tap and Felix coughing. Jisung’s eyes meet Seungmin’s.

 

“Where are they?” Jisung whispers. Not that Felix can hear him but Jisung doesn’t want to risk it.

 

“Should be here soon,” Seungmin answers simply, the same time Felix walks out of the bathroom so his eyes shift to Felix with a trained smile on his face. “Jinnie says he’s already on his way. Said he had something to do before this.”

 

“Ah, really?” Felix says absently. He sits back down on the floor and gathers all the UNO cards. “We should wait for him before we play another round then. There will be three pairs of hawk eyes in this room later, Jisungie. You better watch out,” he jokes, pointing his fingers at his eyes and then pointing the said fingers at Jisung in warning. Jisung snorts a laugh, his nerves lifted a bit. Just a tiny bit, which then comes back more intense when someone knocks on the door.

 

“Hullo~,” Hyunjin pokes his head into the room, the smile on his face so wide and scrunching his eyes and nose.

 

“Ayyye mate~” Felix greets with a huge grin of his own, arm lifted in the air to welcome Hyunjin in. “We were just talking about you. Come on in.”

 

“Okay! I…” Hyunjin turns his head to look at someone standing behind him. They can’t see with the door separating them, but both Jisung and Seungmin already know who it is. “...brought a… _friend._ I kind of told him you aren’t feeling well these days and he’s worried about you so I told him he could come visit you with me. Is that okay?”

 

“A friend?” Felix cocks his head to the side in question. “A classmate? Is it Jeonginnie? Let him in!”

 

Hyunjin scratches the back of his head sheepishly. “It’s not Jeongin. It’s Changbin hyung actually.” Right after saying that, Changbin pokes his head inside from behind Hyunjin, briefly looking around the room before greeting the three of them.

 

“Ch-Changbin hyung?” Felix blinks his eyes several times as if unable to believe who he’s seeing. His eyes widen when Hyunjin pushes the door open and leads Changbin in by their connected hands.

 

“What the heck!” Seungmin shouts, pointing at Hyunjin and Changbin. “Are you guys together??” Jisung wonders how and why they’re all so good at this— at lying, but refuses to dwell into it more, or else he'll lose it.

 

“Um, yeah. Kind of?”

 

“ _Kind of_? You mean, _yes, we are._ ” Changbin corrects Hyunjin. Jisung glances at Felix and watches the swirl of emotions playing on his friend’s face; the surprise, the confusion, and then the sick realization before it simmers down to defeat. “Felix?” Changbin calls for the said guy.

 

“Uhh, yeah?” Felix snaps from his thoughts and looks up at Changbin.

 

“Hyunjin told me you’re sick. We brought some foods. I hope you’ll feel better soon,” Changbin says, placing the plastic bags of foods onto the table.

 

Seungmin pipes up with a “I’ll go get the plates!” and rushes out of the room.

 

“Naisseu Changbin hyung!” Jisung cheers and claps his hands, the bitter taste of pretense and lies lingering in his mouth. He shares a look with Hyunjin, who is still looking at Jisung like this whole thing is ridiculous and unnecessary like the first time Jisung told him about Felix’s disease and the plan on getting Felix to take the surgery. He doesn’t say anything to blow their cover, however, and Jisung is thankful Hyunjin is cooperating with him at the very least. “You know what, I’ll go home and get some games we all can play.”

 

“Oh I—,” Hyunjin hesitates. “There’s a comic I want to borrow. I’ll go with you?”

 

“Yeah okay whatever,” Jisung rolls his eyes and waves his hand dismissively. That was an awkward exchange but Felix is too lost in his thoughts again to notice, thankfully. “Hey, don’t even think about starting without us, alright?”

 

Jisung and Hyunjin go out of the room laughing and joking with each other but once they reach the first floor—where Seungmin is already waiting with plates in his hands, grim look on his face— they turn quiet immediately, the air around them heavy with tension.

 

Seungmin is the first to break the silence. “Just do what you have to do,” he says, sitting down on the step of the stairs. “I’ll go up in ten.”

 

Jisung and Hyunjin wordlessly leave Seungmin to go get the games and comics they know they won’t be playing nor reading later because it’s just an excuse to leave Felix alone with Changbin for few minutes so they can (hopefully) talk and sort things out. But Felix doesn’t know of their plan, of this act, so they have to do it anyway so that Felix won’t feel suspicious of them.

 

It’s when Jisung pulls a random game out of his cabinet that Hyunjin finally says something to him.

 

“Is this really necessary?” he says. “To hurt them like this, I mean?”

 

Jisung blinks at Hyunjin’s question, closes the cabinet and turns around to face Hyunjin. “We’ve talked about this. Felix will feel…hurt. But he won’t remember that feeling, that memory anymore after he gets the surgery. He’ll be okay.”

 

Hyunjin frowns. “But what about Changbin hyung? _He’ll_ remember. He will remember he hurt Felix, will remember he had put Felix’s life in danger, will remember he had to break Felix’s heart twice and see him suffer. Jisung, it will haunt him. The guilt, the pain. I…”

 

“He’ll be okay,” Jisung says, his free hand clenched into an angry fist because he doesn’t know what he’s saying for sure, will never know because it won’t be him who has to go through that. But then he thinks about Felix and decides he doesn’t care what will happen to Changbin after this. All of them will be left with a scar in a way or another, anyway. He can live without Changbin, but Felix however, is not someone Jisung is willing to lose. “Felix has been suffering so much more than Changbin hyung and quite frankly, I don't care if we have to hurt Changbin hyung a little. He'll get over it soon enough,” he continues, knowing well of how heartless he sounded. 

 

Jisung notices the disappointment swelling in Hyunjin’s eyes but chooses to ignore it.

 

 

 

 

 

When they arrive back at Felix’s room, Seungmin is already eating while rambling about random things again, Changbin asking him to shut up and eat while Felix is looking like he doesn’t want to be there. Jisung feels his heart hurting but tells himself to wait, to carry on with their plan so he shouts at Seungmin and Changbin for eating without waiting for him and Hyunjin.

 

Felix is quiet the whole time while all of them cause a ruckus in his room. It’s painful to pretend there’s nothing wrong when everything is, but they have to finish what they started. Jisung sees Hyunjin grabbing and squeezing Changbin’s hand and realizes it isn’t a part of the act but an honest effort to comfort each other for what they’re going through and for what they’re putting Felix into. Seungmin’s eyes are also suspiciously misty with unshed tears and Jisung actually feels bad for dragging his friends into this plan. What else could he do, honestly? He’s that desperate to make Felix take the surgery.

 

“Guys,” Felix finally says after staying quiet for so long, the food in his plate left untouched. Jisung stops laughing with Seungmin and all of them give their attention to Felix. Felix doesn’t look at any of them. “Sorry. I…I’m not feeling so good. Can you guys leave soon? I want to rest.”

 

“Are you okay?”Hyunjin asks worriedly.

 

“Yeah,” Felix forces a smile and shakes his head, as if to get rid of whatever he’s thinking. “I’m just tired. I’ll feel better again after resting.”

 

Everyone in the room knows he’s lying but pretends they don’t.

 

 

 

 

 

**From: SpearB(innie) Hyung**

 

I told him about me and Hyunjin this afternoon, right? He didn’t want to believe it at first but...i think he does now.

 

 

Jisung reads the message a few more times, with a screenshot attached to it. Apparently Felix didn’t ask Changbin much when they left him alone with the older guy. He’d only asked if Changbin was really together with Hyunjin now, and Changbin had said yes. Then Felix turned quiet with his thoughts. Changbin received texts from Felix however when he was already at home.

 

**FelixLee:**           are you really with hyunjin now?

**FelixLee:**           like…together together for real?

**Changbin:**         yes : ) turns out Hyunjin likes me too so I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes

**FelixLee:**           oh…i see…

**FelixLee:**           hyunjin is a lucky guy

**FelixLee:**           i mean, you both are lucky for having each other

**FelixLee:**           congrats hyung :) really…

**FelixLee:**           pls take care of hyunjin well. he’s a nice kid.

**Changbin:**         I will : ) thank you Felix…I hope you’ll get better soon.

**Changbin:**         and…I’m sorry for everything. If I’ve hurt you…I mean it when I say you deserve someone better because I know you do.

**FelixLee:**           :) it’s ok. Thank you hyung. I’ll go to sleep now. Bye.

 

 

Jisung sighs heavily and puts his phone away, not even bothered to send back a reply. He rubs his face with both his hands and keeps it buried on his palms. He feels so, _so_ exhausted but he’s still not done yet. The plan went as predicted and if Jisung is right (he hopes he is), Felix will finally stop holding on to the idea of Changbin loving him back and Jisung will try to convince Felix to take the surgery again. He gives them both about half an hour before moving from his spot at his study table to check on Felix.

 

Standing in front of Felix’s room, Jisung sighs again. He closes his eyes and hesitantly knocks his hand on the door.

 

“Felix? It’s me, Jisungie. I left something in your room,” he says. “Are you sleeping?” he tries again when he doesn’t receive any response. He presses his ear onto the door but can hear nothing but silence so he turns the knob open. “Felix?”

 

The room is empty but there’s a sound of water running from the tap coming from Felix’s bathroom. The silence was honestly making Jisung feel restless but hearing the sound of Felix coughing makes him feel better, even if it’s not supposed to. At least he knows Felix hasn’t done anything stupid.

 

Jisung then notices the papers on Felix’s table and approaches it to see. He glances at the bathroom door to make sure Felix isn’t going to come out soon and then lifts the papers up to read. It’s a letter addressed to Changbin, and the page after is to Felix himself. His eyes quickly scan the contents of the letters before putting them back down, trying his hardest not to crumple the papers in the process.

 

The tap’s been turned off but now Jisung hears the sound of violent coughs and then Felix gagging. Jisung quickly rushes to bathroom and pushes it open, thankful that it wasn’t locked. “Felix?”

 

Felix whimpers when he hears Jisung’s voice but then he’s vomiting again. Jisung kneels down besides Felix and rubs his hand on Felix’s back. He’s shocked however when he sees the petals dripping with blood inside the toilet bowl. “Oh shit! Felix??” Jisung begins to panic because he’s never seen Felix vomiting petals with blood before. “Fuck. I’m calling your parents.”

 

“Jisung…” Felix stops him, his hand fisting on Jisung’s shirt to pull him closer. “Jisungie…why does it hurt?” Felix looks up at Jisung. The sight of Felix looking so heartbroken makes his own heart aches.

 

Jisung swallows. “Where does it hurt, Felix?” Jisung asks with worry. “I’ll get your parents and we’ll get you to the hospital. Can you get u—”

 

“Here,” Felix hits his fist several times on his chest where his heart is. “It hurts so much, Jisungie. _Why_ does it hurt so much?”

 

It dawns on Jisung that Felix is talking about a pain Jisung is unable to help relieve even if he wants to. He wants to comfort Felix but all that he can say is a sympathetic “Oh, Felix…”

 

“I—,” Felix chokes on his words and then cries, eyes squeezing shut and tears wetting his pale cheeks. “You’re right. Everyone’s right. I’m so stupid.” Jisung pulls Felix into a hug and tightens his arms around his trembling form. “I love him and I just want him to love me back. Why can’t he love me back? Why does loving hurt so much?”

 

“Fuck. I’m so sorry, Felix,” Jisung frowns, letting the tears roll down on his own cheeks while listening to Felix cry his eyes out. Felix hugs Jisung back tightly still muttering about how it hurts. Jisung hurts for him too. If he could take the pain away from Felix immediately, he would not hesitate even if it’s Jisung himself who has to suffer. “I promise it won’t hurt anymore after this. I promise…”

 

Felix only cries more.

 

x

 

It’s quiet in the car when they’re on their way to the hospital. The weather is nice with a light breeze to keep people cool and a little sun to provide just the right amount of warmth. The scenery passing by through the window is only a blur especially when Jisung’s lost in his thoughts like this.

 

Jisung notices Felix’s hand on the seat in the space between them through the reflection of the window and reaches for it with his hand, interlacing their fingers together and rubbing assuring circles with his thumb. They’re sitting at the furthest back seats of the Lee’s family van and Jisung doubts Felix’s parents can hear what they’re talking about but Felix still says “I’m scared.” quietly anyway.

 

“It’ll be alright,” he says, turning to face Felix. Felix stares at Jisung, the resignation in his eyes seems more prominent than the worry.

 

“The doctor said I _may_ not be able to love again, Jisung. It’s a little terrifying to know that. But somehow…a little comforting, too. I won’t have to hurt anymore, right?”

 

Jisung frowns at this. “You will still be surrounded with people who love you when you wake up, Felix. You will learn how to love again.”

 

Felix gives a faint smile, a smile that says he wants to believe what Jisung’s said although he clearly doesn’t. The resignation is scary and Jisung can only pray for the best. “Can you do me a favor?”

 

“Anything,” Jisung agrees immediately.

 

“There’s a box in my room. It’s filled with…everything that has to do with Changbin hyung. I don’t have the heart to throw them away. I know it’s stupid of me but I…I hope I can be friends with him again someday. Start over new, maybe,” he shrugs. “I promise not to fall in love with him again this time,” he chuckles sadly. “Can you keep them first and give them back to me when you think I'm ready?” Jisung has to bite on his tongue to stop himself from making unnecessary comments. He doesn’t want the last thing they do before Felix has his surgery is argue so he says:

 

“Of course.”

 

x

 

**To: SpearB(innie) Hyung**

 

Do whatever you want with Hyunjin but please don’t get near Felix ever again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next update will be the epilogue and that's it ;__; i'll be done with this fic!
> 
> as always, thank you for reading and commenting, and for leaving kudos! you guys are the best <3
> 
> hmu on [twitter](http://twitter.com/tigaracha) if you'd like ^^


	7. Epilogue: White

Jisung drops the box at their backyard covered in white. The weather forecast didn’t mention it was going to snow all night so Jisung is feeling slightly in awe looking at the whole neighbourhood resembling a winter wonderland when he stepped out of the house. Winter in Korea is always so chilly and this morning is no exception. Jisung curses at the merciless cold and hurriedly opens the box so he can finish this sooner. He glances at the things inside, tightening his hold on the lighter in his hand. He’s thought about this over and over and over again, has come into a conclusion that this is for the best. But why is he hesitating again?

 

“Fuck it,” Jisung nods with determination after a few minutes, the cold biting on his cheeks now. He crumples the old newspaper he brought with him and puts them inside the box strategically so the fire will spread easier and quicker. Then he plays with the lighter in one hand while the other hand reaches for something in the pocket of his winter coat. His breaths fog in the air, his hands slowly feeling numb and he pretends it’s the cold that is making him tremble like this as he looks at the envelopes and nothing else.

 

Biting his lower lip, he flicks the flint wheel with his thumb and sees the fire it produces. He directs the flame to the first envelope and then the next before throwing them into the box. As he watches the flame burns the “Seo Changbin” and “Lee Felix” written on the envelopes in Felix’s handwriting, how the flame spreads to the pictures and the notebook inside, Jisung knows there’s no turning back now.

 

Call him selfish and any other bad names for betraying Felix’s trust on him but Jisung just feels the need to protect Felix and not let him hurt again. That’s all.

 

Something hard and cold hits him on his nape, making him almost stumble down.

 

“Yah!!” he turns around to see the culprit, hand pressed on his nape and eyes wildly searching around. There’s no one there but he does see a different trail of footsteps that isn’t his own that disappear behind the small store. Jisung smirks, temporarily forgetting the little fire he started and bending down to make a snowball while not taking his eyes off of the building. “I’m gonna get you, boy!”

 

“I know it’s cold and shit but really now? Trying to make it warmer by depleting the ozone layer with illegal burning? Come on, you’re better than that, Jisungie!” it’s unmistakably Felix’s voice. Jisung thinks he sees Felix’s beanie peeking from above the stack of boxes and smirks again as he knows where to aim now. If only he can make the snowball quicker…

 

“Dude, get your facts right or shut the fu—,” a shocking cold hits him as a snowball goes straight to his face. “You piece of shit!” he shouts and blinks the snowflakes away from his eyes. His nose and cheeks are turning pink from the cold but Felix’s laughter is a sweet and warm ring in his ears. “Stay right where you are ‘cause I’m coming for you!!”

 

Of course it ends up with Jisung running away from Felix instead because he can’t make the snowballs quick enough without his gloves while Felix already made a few and is throwing them at Jisung with a stupidly good precision. Their screams and laughter filled the air, not caring if they’re disturbing the neighbors or not.

 

“Okay, you need to STOP!” Jisung shrieks, stopping to catch his breath but tripping on his own foot instead and falling face first on the snow. “Shit,” he laughs at himself after he rolls on his back.

 

“Fool,” Felix taunts jokingly. He throws one last snowball which Jisung manage to avoid by rolling away. Felix giggles and walks to where Jisung is. Jisung’s lingering laughter fades into a smile as he sees Felix’s face hovering above him, offering his hand to help Jisung up. He doesn’t know which is more blinding; the sun right above Felix or the smile on Felix’s face— so genuine and carefree it makes Jisung’s breath gets caught in his throat. Jisung grabs Felix’s hand but instead of getting up, he pulls Felix down instead.

 

“What the hell,” Felix gasps in surprise and then rolls on his back next to Jisung. Even though it’s very, _very_ cold, Jisung feels warmer after running around and especially with Felix lying next to him like this.

 

Jisung lolls his head to the side and his eyes catch the box he burned earlier on. The fire has died out, only the little corners of the box are seen, with everything inside mostly burned to the ground by now. Jisung shouldn’t be shocked by how quick and easy it is to get rid of years of memories and pre-surgery Felix’s hope for the current Felix and Changbin, but he is.

 

“What did you burn?”

 

Jisung feels a finger poking right on his cheek when he turns his head at Felix, the guy giggling because his little prank worked. Jisung rolls his eyes and says “Collection of test papers and quizzes that I failed. Don’t tell my parents,” with a conspiratorial smile and a finger pressing on his nose in a shushing manner.

 

“Loser,” Felix says, bursting into another fit of giggle. It’s been 2 months since Felix’s surgery and now he honestly looks happier, healthier and more beautiful that Jisung just kind of stares at his friend right then to appreciate the sight and being silently thankful that Felix is cured from his illness. Felix is saying something to him but Jisung can only hear the sound of his voice and not what he’s saying, which quickly fades into silence as Jisung focuses on the way Felix’s lips move and how they tugged into a smile. His gaze moves upward following the trail of the sunshine that manages to catch Felix’s breathtaking chocolate-colored eyes and the gorgeous freckles on his face that Felix always takes pride in. For a brief second, Jisung sees white flashing in his vision and then his eyes slowly moves up to look at the snow that has started to fall again, except—

 

Except, they _aren’t_ snow.

 

They fall from the sky slowly and gracefully in white petals. From the corner of Jisung’s eyes he sees and hears and _feels_ flowers growing and blossoming on the ground around them, the smell of daffodils wafts in the air and greets his nose.

 

“Oi!” Jihwan- Jisung’s older brother- shouts, startling Jisung immediately from whatever he was experiencing. He sits up and looks around but sees no flowers on the ground (just the white, white snow) nor does he see them falling from the sky. “Get your asses back in here before you freeze to death. Mom made pancakes and hot chocolates!” Jihwan shouts again and then disappears back into the house through the kitchen’s back door.

 

“Pancakes!” Felix cheers gleefully and gets on his feet to rush to the kitchen. Jisung smells the daffodils again, just vaguely, widening his eyes when he sees the white flowers growing on the ground on the trail that Felix’s left. It’s alarming but mesmerizing and when Felix turns his head at Jisung to beckon him to hurry up _or I'll eat all the pancakes!_ , laughter sounding like music to Jisung's ears, it dawns on Jisung that he’s been in love with his best friend all along.

 

-END-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, that's it! i'm both relieved and nervous that it ended hahah. thank you to all who read from the beginning until the end, for leaving comments and kudos <3 to those who commented on last chapter, i apologize for not replying because i don't want to spoil anything XD i apologize too if i've offended anyone in anyway or if i hurt your heart/feelings with the angst ;~; 
> 
> btw, i don't actually know jisung's brother's name so i just made one up for this fic.
> 
> umm i guess that's all? XD see you in my next fic! <3


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